ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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