I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
