awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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