I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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