he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
