i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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