I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
