Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
