4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
