There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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