ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
