Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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