I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
