That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
