Acid is not a monday night drug
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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