Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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