Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
