I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize