in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
COCAINE IS GR8
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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