he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She bit a glass in half.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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