worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So squirting runs in the family.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize