I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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