Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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