There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Be still, my beating vagina.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
