My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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