i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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