I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
