Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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