Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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