Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
