do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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