You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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