Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
