I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
