After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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