So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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