I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize