1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
