Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
