I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You are the jesus of drinking
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
