Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
