im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
