woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
