When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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