So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
