I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
