I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
They are going to name an STD after you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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