hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize