As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
