i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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