I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
