i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
