Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
