I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
