end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had sex on a dog bed..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
